10Your Girlfriend Dumped You

Drink all night and listen to sad songs, or drink all night and go prowl the bars. I think you know what the right choice is, you rebounding beast, you.

9Your Dog Died

The worst time to drink heavily, but you've got to do it. Look at his dish over there against the wall. Look at his favorite chew toy, gnawed beyond recognition. Look at the stain on the living room rug where he peed that time you scared him with a firecracker. Good times, man. Good times.

8You Lost Your Job

They finally canned your sorry ass because you spent half your days in the bar and then came back to the office reeling. Go back to the saloon, my unemployed friend. Your barfly pals will commiserate with you. Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink.

7Impotence

The drunker you get, the more convinced you will become that it's her fault.

6Your Favorite MLB Baseball Team Got Swept

Drink enough, and you will again entertain the fantasy that, in spite of your years, in spite of the bad back, flat feet and kidney stones, you could still play centerfield next year and turn that bunch of clowns around.

5Car Problems

Can't drive, might as well drink.

4You Were Told Off by a Stranger in the Mall Parking Lot

Get juiced and you will think of all kinds of acidic retorts you could have laid on the guy. Get a cab and go out searching for that son-of-a-bitch.

3It's Cold Outside

Medical experts say the greater level of alcohol in your blood, the better your chances of warding of the effects of frigid temperatures. Or they say you could die. I don't remember. I was hammered when I read that report.

2You're Lonely

It's midnight and you are wasted. What's the responsible thing to do here? That's right. Get out your address book and call every old buddy and ex-girlfriend you can think of.

1Artistic Agony

"Not everybody who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we're not poets." After your first bottle of Thunderbird, you will feel you can write like the masters. You may not be Hemingway, drunken scribe, but at least you'll have a similar blood-alcohol level.