10Crab Lice

You'd think this would be closer to the top of the list, wouldn't you? But if I put it way up there, you might get the idea that I have been afflicted with these stalkers of the pubic region and I can't have that kind of vicious lie floating around.

Some tips from those who have suffered, though: Buy the lotion. Buy the little comb. Follow directions to the letter and burn all your clothes. It wouldn't hurt to stop trolling the nasty end of the red light district either, you dirty dawg you.

9Blinding Hangover

The queasiness and pounding pain behind the eyes. The trembling fingers and gnawing memories of leaving the bar with the kind of woman the Kinks might write a hit song about.

Grim uncertainty about where you left your car and your younger brother the night before. Go back to bed son, before you start remembering it all. Bring a bottle with you and make sure you're alone under the sheets.

8Bees

You bench press 250 pounds and rebuild engines in your front yard. You bed a different lady every weekend and you're batting cleanup on the company softball team. Good for you, stud. But what's that on your back?

Some of the toughest guys I know turn into arm-flailing, high voice-screeching, run-into-traffic sissies at the first sign of a hairy little bastard with a stinger. And who can blame them? Few things will demasculinize you quicker than the primitive fear of something small enough and mean enough to creep into your pants and penetrate you.

7Nose Pimple

Waddaya gonna do? Put a band-aid on it? No. Everyone will know you're hiding a pimple because nobody, but nobody, injures the tip of their nose for real.

Your best option is to embrace the dime-sized blemish. Give it a name and introduce it to everyone you see, including strangers. Your mirth will offset the unsightliness and you will be regarded as a good sport, even if you acquire a nickname like Zit, which will stick with you the rest of your life and beyond.

6Someone Else's Good Fortune

Like that jackass little puke of a rich kid who nepotized his way into your office. The first time the supercilious bastard comes in trumpeting that his daddy bought him a boat and is sending him to Marina del Ray for the long weekend, you will want to shove that silver spoon up his ass. Because the ungrateful little twit hasn't worked for a thing in his life like you have.

And how are you spending your weekend? That's right. Antiquing with the missus. You freakin' sap.

5Poltergeist

Not the cool kind that holler "get out!" at visiting priests, but the troublesome kind, who do nothing but make your life a chaotic mess. They hide your keys. They mess up your television settings and leave pornographic web pages clearly displayed on your computer. They pierce your condoms with pins and mess up your alarm clock so you're late for work. Poltergeist are as ornery and elusive as crab lice and you can't vanquish them with a tiny comb.

4Runaway Cherry

Cigarette cherry, that is. Drop one in your lap while you are driving down the road with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cell phone in the other and your day is ruined right there. You will crash into the back of a cop car, spill scalding coffee on your already burning crotchal zone and utter a string of profanity into the ear of your kid's school teacher on the other end of the phone line. Bad day, ay? Sue the tobacco company. Everybody else does.

3Non-Sports Related Injury

If you limp, walk stooped over, or emerge with your arm in a sling, brother it had better not be the result of a gardening accident. If it is, make up a story about taking a hard tackle during pickup football at the local prison.

Chances are nobody will believe you because you're five and a half feet tall, 110 pounds and you throw like a girl. But what are you going to do? Tell them all you accidentally sat on a pair of pruning shears? The only good news: you might score some Vicodin.

2Wedding

This really should be number one. You have to dig your cleanest shirt and tie out of mothballs. You have to go out and buy a present with money you'd rather spend on beer.

You have to wake up early in the morning just to head to a church and say glowing things about a couple you really don't like very much. You'll miss the game. It will be glorious outside and you will see your cool friends on their way to the beach. You have to sit through a reception, too. The cake cutting. The father-daughter dance. The hokey speeches and lousy deejay. Start having daydreams about a nasty divorce. Make it an elaborate one, sucker. You're in for a long day.

1Erectile Dysfunction

When they say that cuddling is just as good as sex, you know they don't mean it.

I'm sure it's all very ego deflating and you will crumble for a time under the crushing weight of flaccid despair. But buck up, Limpy. Once you summons the berries to tell your doctor about it, he will prescribe something to give you the stamina of an 18-year-old. Go reclaim your virility and show no mercy. Just remember: if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours, consult a healthcare professional. And stay away from my woman.