10Dog

Go ahead. Be one of those people who relives his own youthful yearnings by getting his toddling child a pitbull because “all those press reports about vicious animals are overstated. They’re really fantastic animals, great with kids.” Then, when “Tommy Lee” chews your little girl’s face off, you can console her with a hamster, which you should gone with in the first place.

9Hamster

Great pets. Clean, eat very little, take care of themselves. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, right. Between 8 p.m. and 6 a.m., they will pound away on that little wheel like Rocky training for Drago. You and your child will become sleep deprived and ultimately – we’re not blaming you, we know lack of sleep does weird things to the psyche – you will end the Stallion’s life by popping him in the microwave.

8Lizard

Great pets. I’ve had a dozen or so myself. In the summertime, you can feed them flies and beetles. In the winter months, you have to provide meal worms, which live in bowls filled with sliced potatoes and corn flakes. Don’t waste time doling the meal worms out, suckers. They turn into flying, super-intelligent creatures after a few days and they will crawl into your child’s ear and eat his brain.

7Fish

Oh, yeah. Great pets. You can’t touch them, take them outside or even look at them too long. Fish are great in their natural habitat. Kept as pets, they are sissies who depend on proper PH balance, ammonia levels and a bunch of other crap you will never master. Six hours after your little prince names his new pet, the thing will be on its back. Save yourself a clogged toilet from the fish funeral.

6Parakeet

These things shriek and complain at all hours. You already have a wife who does the same thing, why do you need a bird? Give it to Ozzy Osbourne.

5Cat

Cats are troublesome characters. They shun the people that love them, terrorize those who don't, and they will eventually lose patience for little Jimmy and rip the corneas right out of his eyeballs. Go ahead, get the kid a cat. you will get an early indication of future problems once that toeheaded Jimmy sets fire to the cat and then buries it alive.

4Ferret

Ferrets are very sly creatures secretly planning to overthrow the human race and I suggest that you avoid them. When they chew your electrical cords and phone lines, it’s not because they are playful, curious creatures. It’s because they don’t want you communicating with other humans. You’ve been warned, peckerface.

3Rock

Remember the pet rock craze? Yeah, me neither. I was in junior high and that’s when the pot smoking began.

2Tarantula

Watch that lousy old movie with William Shatner and get that shit right out of your head. The kid will lose interest in the arachnid soon enough and who is the spider going to blame? That's right. Me.

1Sarah Palin

Avoid this. A pretty but dumb animal, you will be tempted to enter her in a really big contest only to watch her piss on everything and lose badly, taking the top dog down with her. Beautiful but savage, this one should be kept on a leash and only up in her native home in deep, dark Alaska where she can keep an eye on Russia, like a good (but dumb) dog.