10Onions

I like to tell people I’m allergic to explain why I’m like a 6-year-old boy about the things. I just hate how they sneak up in your foot like damn shards of glass. You’re chewing away happily and then CRUNCH! No good, man. Oddly, I eat onion rings.

9Peas

Mushy and chalky, these legumes are too green for their own good. When somebody sneezes, I expect to see peas in the tissue. If there is one anywhere on my plate, I’ll abandon the whole damn thing and go to McDonalds.

8Bakes beans

An oddly fecal looking, don’t you think? But it’s not the appearance of them, it’s the gushy kaka taste. If there is one thing I can’t stand, I’m known to assert, it’s a bean.

7Carrots

So vitamin A and beta-carotene are good for your eyes. I’ll go blind, thanks. More gushy vileness. These things are all nuclear orange and they just defile all the good stuff on your plate.

6Bananas

As an impromptu marital aid, their great! As a food: yellow, smiling putrescence.

5Celery

Another stealth food that will sneak into a dish of something good and horrify you with a terrible CRUNCH. Like eating the brittle green bones of a disgusting creature.

4Peppers

About as gastronomically appealing as licking a battery. They taste like acid and reek up a room while others are trying to dine on real grub.

3Mushrooms

Forget the napkin. If I accidentally get one of these things in my mouth, I will spit it across the room without compunction. Slimy and rank, I suspect afterbirth probably tastes a lot like mushrooms only with a more palatable consistency.

2Pastrami

I’m pretty sure I had a bad experience with this meat when I was a kid. What the hell is pastrami, anyway? I figure it’s what human flesh would taste like if cooked wrong. The Donner party can have mine. I’d rather eat a toad.

1Pea soup

Peas in liquid form, brillaint!. This is the shit Regan threw up from her demonic bed in “The Exorcist.” Worst food ever. Banish it! If I were cast away on a barren and desserted island and all there was to eat was pastrami and pea soup (it happens) I would eat my own extremities, instead, up to and possibly including my genitals.