10Twelve days of Christmas

Tell me this isn't a biblical era drinking song. Do a shot every time you forget what your true love gave you and you'll be hammered by the time you get to those drummers drumming. The three wise men played this game on their way to Bethlehem and my, the stories they could tell you.

9Good King Wenceslas

An awesome song because nobody really knows the words to it. Your devout types will swear that they understand every lyric and its deeper meaning, too. They will fight you barefisted style if you argue the point, but the truth is, they have no clue. Did someone just sing "hit her, Page and stomp on me?" I don't know! Nobody does!

8The Little Drummer Boy

When I was in school, we used to titter and elbow each other every time we got to sing the line: "the ox and ass kept time pa rumpa pum pum." Hee hee. Ass. Now that I'm grown up, I look forward to that line but most respectable radio stations and school concert organizers have replaced the humble ass with a less amusing lamb. And I'm disappointed every time because ass in a Christmas song always makes me guffaw. This year, I'm asking for a little maturity under the tree. I don't expect to get it.

7Oh, Holy Night

A fantastic song to weed out the cross dressers in your crowd. If you can hit those high notes, you're either a transvestite with your sack of goodies bound up and tucked back, or you're a six year old boy. And the hair on your back tells me you ain't no six year old boy. And to think we hooked up in the copy room at the Christmas party.

6 What Child is This

I can't in good conscience make fun of this song. Because it sets me to weeping every time, particularly if I've had six gallons of egg nog. I don't know what it is. Maybe I had a bad Christmas experience with this song as a soundtrack. If so, I've completely blocked it out. Santa! Oh, Santa! Why are you doing that to my mommy!

5 Deck the Halls

Sobriety checkpoint! Whomever can still handle the "fa la la la la, la la la la" at the end of the night gets to drive home.

4Jingle Bells

Few people know that the basis for this song derives from the days of pagan persecution when earth worshippers strung bells across the forest so they would know when the militant Christians were upon them. And when the bells rang, the pagans would rush in, bind their persuers to a sleigh and ferry them off into the woods to be eaten. No. I just made that up. But wouldn't that make the song much more fun to sing?

3Silent Night

This is the tune you want on the record player if you get a chance to enjoy it with that large chested lady from accounting. The song is sung in such a languid manner, it seems to last forever. Go ahead. Sing the first two words and get back to me when you're done in about ten minutes. It's two words and only three syllables! Why does it take so long? Who cares. Lola McChesty smells some purty, don't she?

2A Chipmunk Christmas

This song is a blast if you've been smoking mistletoe. Dude, why does Bing Crosby sound like he's been sucking helium?

1I'll be Home for Christmas

Good God, man! Here's one that will wilt your Yule log. Is the singer crooning from prison? From a battle field across the world? "I'll be home for Christmas If only in my dreams..." Would you excuse me? I think I got tinsel in my eye.