'Canoe man' fakes death, lives large for five years

Blast that oarsman! I’m sick of hearing over and over that even a dead man lives more exotically than I do. May he paddle right into Shamu’s ass and live the next five years in a whale's colon so he can be known as... I don't know, 'Colon man' or something.

Tampax plugs product to poor people

The thrust: girls in poor nations are missing school with alarming regularity due to the unrestrained arrival of menstrual cycles. The good people of Tampax just do not cotton to the idea of children flowing from classrooms. They have initiated a program to get help streaming to those who need it. Critics are seeing red while proponents gush praise. The controversy is quite absorbing.

Mitt Romney orates on Mormon faith

Will don white shirt, black tie, knock on doors of 200 million voters to explain his position. If you don’t want to listen, the least you could do is take one of his helpful tracts, you close-minded ingrate.

Crematorium operator dumps partially burned corpses

I don’t care what half-baked defense this man puts forth. He’s going to burn for this.

CIA destroys interrogation videos

Further investigation reveals operatives also failed to rewind the tapes and placed them into the wrong sleeves before burning them in clandestine fires.

Facebook admits spying on users

An outrage! Other than a million of my closest Facebook friends I share my hopes, dreams and nudity with, I don’t want anyone knowing stuff about me. I’m known for my intensely private nature. Read all about in on Myspace, my blog, webpage or, heck. Why don’t you just come on over?