Australian company edits Santa

They’ve instructed mall Santas to bellow “ha ha ha” instead of “ho ho ho.” It’s a grand idea. Now Santa won’t sound like he’s hailing a hooker, he’ll sound like he’s just smoked a pound of holiday weed.

Oprah endorses Obama

I don’t know if this is such a good thing for Barack. Oprah sang Jim Frey’s praises too, and he later admitted to making up fifty percent of the content in his lie-ography“A Million Little Pieces.” Maybe seventy five percent, it’s very hard to remember after all those nights of guzzling forty after forty in the ghetto. Or maybe it was one mojito at the country club, but he drank it really fast through a straw. And anyway, Frey’s perception of history is no doubt warped after enduring such trauma as a root canal without anesthesia. Or maybe it was a cleaning without the grape flavored polish. It’s all very hazy. I’m sure Obama will be fine.

Woman’s finger torn off during purse snatching

High drama in the courthouse:
“Ma’am, can you point out the man who attacked you?”
“No.”

Joe Francis claims jail abuse

That’s the “Girls Gone Wild” dude to you. He claims he’s been abused by guards at jails across the country as he prances through a minefield of charges from tax evasion to using underage girls in his films. Clearly he’s paranoid. Why would any man be resentful of Joe? So he’s made a trillion dollars flying around the country and convincing beautiful woman take their shirts off. So he’s got a personal jet, legions of ladies and mansions everywhere. Does anybody care? No. Those prison guys are happy with getting feces flung on them, getting sued, and getting boob action in the form of blubbery drunk guys they have to strip search. Come here, Joe. Let us give you a hug.

Tree-sitters face eviction

Be very careful when you read this one aloud. It’s a real tongue twister.

Panda couple thrills zoo

Getting them to breed was a feat, but the real challenge was piping in the “chicka bow, chicka chicka bow bow” music and fashioning a happening pornstache for the male panda.