"Love in the Time of Cholera"

Raise your hand if you're a guy and you've got a really, really bad feeling about this flick. Of course, you do. Because you know that sooner or later, your wife or that honey you've been working on is going to ask you to watch it and my God! Even the title of the movie makes you cringe. I'm sure it's very artistic and elegant and beautiful. But so was "The Notebook" but you didn't see that, did you? No, sir! You did not! Because you're a manly man and the only way you'd sit through something this girly is Clockwork Orange style, bound to a chair with your eyes stapled open. And even then you'd find a way to make retching sounds or otherwise express your displeasure.

Airlines chastized for slack security

Undercover agents were able to smuggle components for explosive devices on major flights. In a time when fear flies with us every time we travel, this is distressing news indeed. Fortunately, now that the security holes have been exposed, the matter is being addressed and measures will be implemented so that no more bombshells will be dropped on an already skittish flying public.

Bombshell exposed on airline

Kyla Ebbert was chastized for wearing provocative attire on an airplane. Because God knows, we can't have a beautiful woman fouling up the otherwise awesome experience of standing in a quarter mile line at the airport, getting patted down by a brutish security agent, inching across the tarmac for an hour, wedging in between a snoring businessman with too much aftershave and a sanguine woman with a photo album, lugging suitcases full of bricks to the connecting flight, and then starting all over at theother end. Ungainly people only should be allowed to fly the friendly skies. And by golly, breasts have no place in the air at all.

Matt Damon named sexiest man alive

Whatever. Year after year, I await the results of this beauty contest in hopes of seeing my choice at least given a nod. And year after year it's the same old thing. Some blow dried pretty boy with a surgically enhanced smile moves impossibly higher on the Hollywood pedestal while a truly beautiful man goes unnoticed. Mark my words, people. next year my boy will knock that Damon punk right off the coveted spot on the cover of People Magazine. Prepare yourself to be reaccquainted with Mr. Tom Petty.

Monkey embryos cloned for stem cells

The social, political and scientific ramifications of this are significant. Yet, what I think of when I read this headline is that I'd much rather see a movie called "Love in the Time of Monkey Embryos" than that cholera film.

Vandal trashes Christmas trees

It happened in New Milford, Conn., where some bastard destroyed rows of trees planted by a dead man as a legacy for his sons. No really. That kind of thing will get your ass haunted by a real bitch of a Christmas ghost, like Carol Kane in the movie "Scrooged." "Why!" the culprits will scream, right through the holidays and into spring. "Why do you keep punching me in the scrotum!"