Joe Torre fired

Nobody liked him, anyway. Slack ass bastard. What did he ever bring to the Yankees? Nothing, that’s what. It will be something to see what the struggling, cash-strapped Yanks can do with a real manager in there. Someone with class and old-school style. Trick is to find someone like that in this day of rotating locker room doors and whipper snapper managers. It’s just a damn shame Billy Martin is dead.

Marie Osmond takes a header

Nobody liked her, anyway. Slack ass prima donna. What did she ever bring to Donny and Marie? Nothing, that’s what. It will be something to see what the fugly and talent-starved Donny can do with a real partner out there. Someone with Latter Day Saint charm and blinding white teeth. The trick is to find someone like that in this day of drug addled stardom and greedy agents. It’s just a damn shame Billy Martin is dead.

Stephen King announces bid for White House

Nah, I’m making that up. But how cool would that be? The son-of-a-bitch would write five resolutions a day and wear congress down completely. Edgar Allan Poe’s birthday would become a National holiday and the new capital would be either Fenway Park or Salem, Massachussetts. I’m not sure where King stands on the Kyoto Treaty but I have it on good authority his approach involves vampire rats. Vampire rats! This country needs that.

Cleveland Indians succumb to Red Sox

There are not enough swear words in any language to adequately express how I feel about the Cleveland Indians. Suck is a weak word. Bite just does not do it. Blow might work, but it’s hard for me to imagine a team as lousy and poorly coordinated as the 2007 Cleveland Indians summonsing the talent to make the orbical muscles work for such an operation. Every single man on that roster ought to be given skates, thrust into the NHL and beaten repeatedly by toothless men with sticks. I hate you, Cleveland Indians. Don’t ever call me again.

Experts say lack of sleep can cause psychiatric disorder

Bitch! Take back your birds or suffer my wrath! I will fill your aspirin bottle with shards of my unmanageable death! Harlot! Your hair will burn with the heat of a thousand volcanoes! I am the harbinger of your breakfast cereal doom! Lesbian! You reek of my patchouli!

I kid. It’s a serious health issue and you should look into it.