Al Gore wins Nobel Peace Prize

Tense moments when it was learned that a flaw in the vote counting procedure may have skewed the results. If any chads had been found to be dangling, the prize could have been yanked out of Al’s wooden fingers and handed to George, George Jr., Barbara or Jeb. Any damn Bush will do when a vote tally is in question.

Greenpeace says iPhones are toxic

They’re just mad because all their friends have one and they don’t. You just know those guys want an iPhone so they can send pictures to their friends from far flung places. “Doesn’t this oil slick look just like Uncle Rudy? Holy shit!” Oh, the i-Rony. Note: i-Rony not a real product. Please stop trying to order one.

Sen. Craig denies bathroom solicitation

I’m somewhat ashamed of myself for tooling on the senator over and over, but dammit, bathroom sex is always funny. He artfully slid his shoe across the tiled floor. He flipped his hand over and tapped on the stall wall very precisely. You know? I’m not convinced the senator wasn’t signaling for the stranger on the toilet beside him to bunt."

First funny forward discovered on Internet

The one about the man who pulls a sliver of wood from a elephants foot. Hilaaaaaaaaarious!

Aspiring horror novelist kills, dismembers, eats girlfriend

And I’ll bet the son-of-a-bitch is selling a million damn copies of his crappy novels now, isn’t he? That’s plain good promotions right there. And just who do I have to eat to sell a million copies of my crappy novel? Because I’ll do it, you know.

Man jailed for trying to pass $1 million bill

Well, if he swallowed it, it has to come out.