Chick wears fake bomb to airport

Ahhhh, MIT. Where a typical student knows how to isolate an isotope, but still leaves the shower curtain hanging on the outside of the tub. This one thought wearing a fake explosive to Logan Airport was a keen way to express her creativity. She’s lucky she didn’t get a cap in her Higg’s-boson-searching, quantum-computer-building, unified-theory-formulating ass. But all is well. Her name is Star Simpson. With that moniker, it seems likely that a career in the porn industry is not far off. Her first film: “Bombs Away.”

Yasua Fukuda elected prime minister of Japan

I’m sure it’s politically significant and that he’ll make great strides at firming up relations with the west. Really though, I just like writing his name and I like saying it even more. Utter the name to a stranger in a bar and I guarantee you’ll get punched in the jaw.

Dan Rather retires, gets angry, sues everybody

Well, folks. This one is as predictable as early release on a virginal wedding night. It’s as hot as the inner thighs of a fat jogger. Dan is as mad as the last sperm to reach the egg. He’s as crazy as a gerbil in a microwave and as old as Moses’ hand-me-downs. Nobody can grind out the similes like Rather so I don’t know why I even try. What’s the frequency, Kenneth? Furthermore, what’s the dosage on your Lithium these days?

Starbucks to give away Itunes

Yeah, yeah. I know how this will work. I’ll walk in and ask for something simple yet reliable, like a track from the Doors or maybe REM. The snobby clerk will sniff with disdain and ask if I’d like to try something more exotic, instead. Perhaps African tribal flute music? Or a nice selection of Korean opera? Haughty bastards. Just a plain old cup of coffee and The Clash, please. And then, why don’t you treat yourself to another individuality expressing lip bead and a pumpkin spice latte colonic?

Family Guy Star Wars episode

Brilliant! Like Cliff notes for those who missed the hysteria of the first Star Wars generation. A refresher course replete with sexual innuendo and disorienting references to classic comedies such as “Airplane!” and “National Lampoon’s Family Vacation.” And masterfully casted. The libidinous Quagmire nailed the role of CP30 and who but the pedophilic Hubert could have handled the Han Solo part with such finesse? For those of you who don’t know this, I have a deep, loin aching crush on Lois. She’s the hottest thing on television and I’m not just talking about the cartoons.

George Clooney goes down

My heart bleeds. The poor bastard busted a rib and donated some dermis to the pavement after dumping his bike. And all he has to console himself is a bazillion damn dollars, a line of ladies waiting outside the emergency room and those two Sexiest Man of the Year honors from People Magazine. Is someone circulating a card? I want to sign it.