"High School Musical" star gets naked

Frankly, I've never heard of this movie or its queen, Vanessa Hudgens. But there are nude photos of her bobbing around the Internet and I want to see them. I want to see them and so do you, lecher. It's just that simple. Today, fifty million people are trolling the web and searching for someone they've never heard of. Because a pretty person is naked and that's something to stay up searching for, always. It's the kind of marketing catapult that makes me froth. If I leak naked photos of myself, will millions come running to my website? Because you know I'll do it. In spite of what happened last time.

U of F Student goes "Ow! Ow!" all the way to the bank

Speaking of marketing geniuses. All this twit needed to do to become a giant of the Google search was to act like a privileged college puke with a phony sense of outrage and clear indifference to authority. Five seconds of girl screaming under the electric grip of the taser and he's on top of the YouTube heap. They're printing T-shirts to commemorate the incident, for fuck's sake. You know what I got after getting a dose of the taser? Big, fat nothing, that's what. I had to go back to work. The next time I see Andrew Meyer, a Doberman better be chewing his groin off.

Britney bombs

Sure, she moved like a science lab frog being zapped with weak electrical prods. But fat? You're calling her fat? No, my friend. Fat is that girl you went home with that night you were visiting your older, cooler brother up at the university. The girl so enormous that smaller, prettier girls orbited her like moons around Uranus. That's fat. And you can deny it all you want, pal. I know better because I was there. I was the one that hooked up with her ugly friend.

That Wallace kid from the Geico commercials

"Look, I didn't say I wouldn't go fishing with the man. But when it comes to Mike Wallace, the story ends with me putting him in the wall." Brilliant! If one single person from the NASCAR set was as cool as this boy genius, I might not despise racin' the way I do.

Kid Rock vs. Tommy Lee

I'm putting money on the ugly one.

OJuice facing time

This is one Johnny Cochran might rise from the grave for. Assuming that Johnny Cochran is dead. I thought I read that he was. One way or another, though, I don't care. I was deeply traumatized the last time OJ went around the legal system by Marcia Clark's hair. I'm sitting this one out, my friends, lest another freakish prosecutor comes along to cause me further sexual pr-pr-problems.